1.22.2007

How long has it been...

...since I came to know this pain? I can't really remember...My whole being goes numb with such pain and after a while I stop feeling it and the shadow of a smile appears in the corner of an eye. That's when it starts again to hurt...to see that the universe has already decided, that you're just a pawn in someone's cruel game, someone that can't take his own feelings. And all I could give was love for life.
Spoken words are played over and over again like a broken record meant to drive you insane...thought you were different but there is no other choice, my sweetest friend...
But more than those, it hurts to see your choice of silence...Is it because I'll see how things really are? That reality does not exist! The fundamental difference in beliefs.
How many times do I have to cry out loud NO... Will you ever know that?

...I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything...

5 comments:

H0n3yb33 said...

I love Nine Inch Nails and I like how you use part of the lyrics from "Hurt" in your blog here. But I disagree with the "universe" deciding for you and being a pawn...we are only pawns if we let ourselves be and we are not taking responsiblity for our own actions by saying the universe decided. There seems to be a lot of confusion in this blog entry, maybe something to talk about when we have some time alone...it is always good to get the thoughts out though, seeing them usually helps to bring clarity and open our eyes to the truth.

Anonymous coward said...

There is truth in honeybee's words. Most of the time, we are no pawns, indeed. However, it is very unlikely that one of us is in charge of his or her life. Some things just cannot be controlled in that fashion.

Antarya said...

My dear Honeybee,
I wish there was a confusion, because that would leave some space for hope. When I say universe has decided, I mean that some things you don't wish for, will happen, there's nothing I can do about it and if I would, that you would cost too much...not for me, but for others that I care too much about. That's what I meant. Some things are just not in our control. It's just life and I do embrace it with love, even for all the pain it gives!

H0n3yb33 said...

It is true that things happen we have no control over but we do have a choice whether or not to cause others or ourselves pain. The freedom of choice is a beautiful thing and a dangerous thing. For our choices will not always bring happiness to everyone and we have to decide what is best for us in the long run. If we did not feel pain, we would never truly know love. So I will take the pain.

Antarya said...

Yes,you're right! I have to choose pain as well, over the pain of others...when it's possible. Had I've been designed any different, I wouldn't care. But I do, so I don't have a choice :)) That's the paradox of being a human! :))
Thank you, Honeybee! You're the best!