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Another year

It's almost gone and it makes you wonder all sorts of things...why is it that the truly close to your heart friends are too far away and meeting them is always the best and the shortest thing that can happen and why is it that the ones that you see everyday are not there for you? Why do you remember easier the disappointments and the really hurtfull moments more than the really happy days?
Are they really gone or is it simply much harder to keep a smile on your face?
You don't have anymore a place of your own, a home, a familiar way of living, because you've taken your life to somewhere else. And who would have know that time, being so merciless, will make this decision irreversible, that you can't go back? It will always be up to you, what you're gonna make of that, an eternal fugitive, not know exactly what you're running away from...or just having a diverse way to live your life, filling in the gaps.
And yes, you do want more, you always want more and you always hope you will get more, but you know it's not fair to ask anything from anyone.
And you still hope...
Always looking into tomorrow and hoping it will be alright.
It will get better.

Beauty in precision

Hanging on to words

...in all that space inhabited by silence, there are a lot of dreams I might have missed, a lot of dreams to fill the gap the distance left and my beliefs. They turn and twist to constantly fill up that space and after some time, it's hard to guess what was real and what was dream. Self created? Very true.
Because when all the doors are shut, that's all it is left: my spinning dreams in a broken glass bubble. You think I don't know that? I do very well. But that's just another choice I make.
Now, how fair do you think it is that your freedom is my thoughts prison? And I know what you will say that it's my choice and the world is not a fair place...

Don't talk to me. Don't speak to me. Stay with me.

I'm no good company, I guess that's true
I like my silence, like I love you
But if you feel like talking, talk away
I'm gonna hang on to every word you say

Why won't you let me believe?

Why is it that so many of us seem to carelessly go ahead, not looking left or right, not caring where they are heading, not knowing, not caring to know, not dreaming, not hoping, not crying, not laughing...? Why is it that so many of us are just afraid to care? Because it's so much easier not to?
Is it indeed a world of quitters, takers and indifference? Is that it?
I just started not giving up...

Brain wash

From all the answers or different kind of support that you might get when life gets really tuff on you, my personal favourite is the "law of the pendulum"...a typical situation when a hand on the shoulder requires unimaginable masses of atomic energy and eternal recognition as Immortal God of Mercy. And that is probably just one of the minor good deeds. Delivered on daily basis, effortlessly. Something like the cow's warm milk.

But coming back to the law of pendulum, the greatest scientific minds have agreed that the higher you fly, the lower you will fall. Equivalent exchange of normal happiness and normal depression. Of course, you may choose your perspective, depending on how blue is planet Earth today. You can also see it as the lower you fall, the higher you fly. Will? Might? Not sure, but that will be the point for another metaphysical investigation into human misery.

But conclusion is universal: if it hurts that much that your sight becomes blurry, is all ok, because you must have done something to deserve it. And if you didn't, you surely will.

See? That's how equivalent exchange works, including those mercifull words that show you the infinite compassion of the ones in your virtual proximity.

If I may ask, could you please tell me which is the right order? Do you have to fly first and then you fall or do you commite suicide first? Or if you fall first, does anyone keep the account for how many flights I am entitled to?

And what if you just don't want to fly or fall? What then? Do we call it even and say it's destiny?

Reject!

That's where I can step in and be the judge of what I deserve to choose.

What's your Demon?

Don't give up just yet

There she was standing again, at the same crossroad she knew so well...wherever she would go, she'd always come back to the same familiar spot...the only place that was ever hers, at times to hate and at times to love.

The wind was blowing softly through the shades of blue and that sound was just a reminder that none of this was real, there wasn't just one of her, there were many. And that was exactly what she was contemplating while wondering which way to go this time, which way that she didn't take before, which way where she would find other selves than before.

There was nothing left, it was all too familiar.

Straight ahead. One more time, maybe the last. The one road that was going into deep darkness, where the anxiety would be the only raison d'etre and where she would have to fight over and over again the sigths of seeing the edges of madness. Only that now there was a difference: she did not need any more her other self, she could it alone. It was time to stop avoiding the truth that everything else was the beauty of her own mind.

"Shh, child, sleep. The dream is not yet over..."

Your Personality Is Like Alcohol

You're the life of the party, a total flirt, and probably a pretty big jokester. Sometimes your behavior gets you in trouble, but you still remain socially acceptable. You're a pretty bad driver, and you're dancing could also use a little work!

What Drug Is Your Personality Like?

What else is there?

It was me on that road
But you couldn`t see me
Too many lights out, but nowhere near here

It was me on that road
Still you couldn`t see me
And then flashlights and explosions

Roads are getting nearer
We cover distance but not together
I am the storm and I am the wonder
And the flashlights, nigthmares
And sudden explosions

I don't know what more to ask for
I was given just one wish

It's about you and the sun
A morning run
The story of my maker
What I have and what I ache for

I`ve got a golden ear
And cut and I spear
What else is there?

Roads are getting nearer
We cover distance still not together
If I am the storm if I am the wonder
Will I have flashlights, nightmares, sudden explosions

There is no room where I can go and
You`ve got secrets too
I don`t know what more to ask for
I was given just one wish

By an autumn soul

"Epifanía Inacabada

La niebla que cae sobre la ciudad es un manto frío de amabilidad engañosa.

Caminamos entre la bruma, por las calles insomnes, a horas en que quizás estaríamos mejor llevando una vida entre otros lienzos.

Comienza a amanecer. Aún siento tu mano caliente rozando la mía.

Y de repente, es de día. La niebla se ha ido, fugaz entre los bosques de ladrillo, llevándose consigo su fina capa de franela. Los primeros rayos de sol se asoman, traviesos, a través de las esquinas, deslizando sus pies desnudos y mugrientos sobre el asfalto.

Me giro para mirarte, una vez más, y descubro que tu caricia se ha disipado con esta noche blanca. Que tú ya no eres tú, que eres otra, quizás parte de éste sueño. Quizás una epifanía inacabada. Quizás, tan sólo, mi día solitario y mi noche de nieblas disipadas. O una leve caricia apenas ya reconocible que murió estrangulada en el olvido.

Lentamente, la mañana se despereza y las formas vuelven a su finitud.Todo se vuelve certeza, menos estas palabras y mis pasos solitarios, que se han perdido en algún lugar entre la niebla."

--by melancholyboy

From Tom Robbins

Who knows how to make love stay?

1. Tell love you are going to the Junior's Deli on Flatbush Avenue in Brooklyn to pick up a cheesecake, and if love stays, it can have half. It will stay.

2. Tell love you want a memento of it and obtain a lock of its hair. Burn the hair in a dime-store incense burner with yin/yang symbols on three sides. Face southwest. Talk fast over the burning hair in a convincingly exotic language. Remove the ashes of the burnt hair and use them to paint a mustache on your face. Find love. Tell it you are someone new. It will stay.

3. Wake love up in the middle of the night. Tell it the world is on fire. Dash to the bedroom window and pee out of it. Casually return to bed and assure love that everything is going to be all right. Fall asleep. Love will be there in the morning.

The beat is yours forever!

Remember everything that I told you
And I'm telling you again that it's true
When you're alone and afraid, and you're completley amazed
To find there's nothing anybody can do
Keep on believing, and you'll discover baby
There's always something magic, there's always something new
And when you really, really need it the most that's when rock'n'roll dreams come true
The beat is yours forever, the beat is always true
And when you really, really need it the most
That's when rock'n'roll dreams come true... for you

Touch of a dream from another life

...je me souviens des marées hautes
du soleil et du bonheur qui passaient sur la mer
il y a une éternité, un siècle, il y a un an...

And I tried so hard to be evil...

How evil are you?

"There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so." - Shakespeare

Thanks to EgoDialogues

" Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar not called a racist?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why do you drive on a parkway but park on a driveway?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
And if there is one goose and 2 geese, why isn't there one moose, 2 meese?Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?"

And so the story goes on...

After his attempt of going back to the world he was once born into, the Absurd Creature found himself on the corner of a univers, without any idea what to do. So, he thought to himself he'd go back to the NonExistent Creature, which he could find in any universe possible and impossible.

All of the sudden, with the heart full of joy and still dreaming in vivid colors, the little absurd creature jumped from that corner and he flew with the speed of thought straight to the world of the NonExistent one.

And there he was, still laying in the shadow of the giant mushroom and the same sun was blinking bored in the sky. But...there was something weird, he couldn't really know what it was.

When he came closer, he realized that the NonExistent one was transforming into something...something else. He couldn't grasp what's going on ...Slowly, after a very long time, he saw it more clearly. The Absurd one was shocked to see that transmutation, to see that what he was looking at, was no longer the NonExistent one, he wasn't anymore the one that you could meet in every universe...Puzzled, lost, hurt, he came closer, one more step, till the other creature turned his head to him. What a terrible moment! Two blank eyes were staring back at the Absurd Creature, with no trace of memory, wide open and curious to see who he was.

"Who are you?", he finally asked, after a long pause, when he understood that the visitor wasn't going to speak any time soon.

"You...you don't...recognize me...anymore ?!?", asked the Absurd One with a trembling voice. Tears were filling up his eyes and he kept on pushing them away, like they'd be some annyoing insects, but they kept on reappearing as if they had a will of their own.

"Don't know. Should I?"

How could he explain? It was pointless, it was the one road where there is no choice and you can't even look back, because you won't be able to move anymore. It felt as if somebody took the heart out of his chest, as if all emotions in the worlds died at once...in fact, his feelings were burning out, like a dangeruos fire that had to be extinguished, till there's no more but ashes. All the flow of memories came running through his head, how was he to understand that it didn't matter who you are or what you are, life was treating you the way it felt like...because you know what?...you have no powers over the rules of the game. But life does. All he understood was that you have to be loyal just to be betrayed, you have to trust just to be humiliated, you have to be kind just to know the pain of the broken heart? The Absurdity of All This! He knew he can't dream now anymore, no more vivid dreams of happiness. Not ever again.

"Excuse me?? I insist. Who are you?", asked again the Changing NonExistent.

"Hi! My name is ... um... Nevermind. Uh, I was just passing by and since I heard many things about you, wanted to come down and meet you! Am very pleased to meet you!" And the Absurd Creature tried to fake a smile when saying this, while the NonExistent was shaking his hand vigorously and grinning back.

And for a second, he though he saw in his eyes a spark of a long lost memory. But he looked again at the NonExistent, to see that the transformation was close to completion. Too close...

Lost and not found

There was just the darkness and the silence. Nothing more. And then he woke up to look around...the world was gone, there was nobody left. And nothing could compare with his feeling of loneliness. He couldn't quite grasp it. "Is the world...dead?! What happend ?! Why?!"
The words were coming out of his mouth but there was no sound to them. Just the silence that he would not want to understand or accept.
"Could it be...that the world...died?! Oh, my God! MY GODS! Where were YOU ?I've been sleeping for so long and all those dreams of beauty and fantasy, I've been swinging for so long from world to world of glowing colors, beautiful delight, guilty love and passion crimes and it seemed and endless dance of light..."
He looked around again to see the same reality.
No more dancing worlds of fantastic beauty.
"Where am I?"

He was just the same absurd creature that fell asleep between two worlds.

Bored? Yeah!

The loss

And there he was, standing in front of the same merciless audience, trying to find the words that would melt the painful silence and get the weight off his chest, put an end to a dream to start another.
"You! Yes, you!Is that all you can do? Be lost in your thoughts, battling them every day in a different way and think that is the right choice? Open your eyes, there's so much more for you to learn. Stop the time and you'll know what you are. Stop the regrets and you'll know what you can become. But do not stop dreaming."
"Hey, you! You, over there! You think that you're the only one dealing with your demons, waking up in a different world every day? So, are we! But we've learned the ways. And you'd better do the same before it's too late."
"And you? Is that what you really think, that we are always alone and that we were meant to be like that? Not for a clean heart. Speak ! One can only deal with the things he knows."

"Ah, and you, nice trick! New day, new eyes, new world! Hilarious...the way you think you'll be always right and when you run out of reasons... easy, new eyes, new world. Oh, if you would only know how much it hurts. And it hurts you in the end. Your way or no way, but your way changes all the time."

No answers. No replies. The same awful silence.
Just the accusing eyes of the audience."We are all you! You are your own judge and forgiver!"
Everything fell in darkness and he looked around. He was alone! There was no audience! There never was any...

where from and where to

Shiva and Shakti are the basics of the entire Tantra philosophy. In essence Shiva and Shakti are undifferentiated unity. They can never be separated; one cannot exist without the other. We look at them as being two separated concepts, but that is due to the limitations of our understanding, and our language. We have to invent names and concepts in order to have some understanding of what lies beyond our understanding.

Everything that exists can be reduced to two concepts: consciousness and manifestations. Manifestations are dependant on consciousness. In tantra, consciousness is called Shiva, and manifestation, which is also seen as power, is called Shakti.

Lost and found

Love by Pablo Neruda

Because of you, in gardens of blossoming flowers I ache from the
perfumes of spring.
I have forgotten your face, I no longer remember your hands;
how did your lips feel on mine?
Because of you, I love the white statues drowsing in the parks,
the white statues that have neither voice nor sight.
I have forgotten your voice, your happy voice; I have forgotten
your eyes.
Like a flower to its perfume, I am bound to my vague memory of
you. I live with pain that is like a wound; if you touch me, you will
do me irreparable harm.
Your caresses enfold me, like climbing vines on melancholy walls.
I have forgotten your love, yet I seem to glimpse you in every
window.
Because of you, the heady perfumes of summer pain me; because
of you, I again seek out the signs that precipitate desires: shooting
stars, falling objects.

Namaste

I honor the place in you where the entire universe resides,
I honor the place in you of love, of light, of truth, of peace.
I honor the place within you where if you are in that place in you
and I am in that place in me,
there is only one of us.

Barcelona

Barcelona

How about that, huh?

Néo (Matrix) : 77%
Indiana Jones : 75%
Jim Levenstein (American Pie) : 75%
Hannibal Lecter : 75%
James Bond : 74%
Batman / Bruce Wayne : 74%
Maximus (Gladiator) : 73%
Eric Draven (The Crow) : 72%
Tony Montana (Scarface) : 72%
Forrest Gump : 67%
Yoda (Star Wars) : 66%
Schrek : 62%

Quel héros de film es-tu ?

My Visual DNA

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

I like...

Which level of hell do you deserve?

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Moderate
Level 2 (Lustful)	Moderate
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Divine Comedy Inferno Test

Words and NonWords

And the day after...

After trying to cross the bridge of Eternal Emotions and left half of his soul there, the Absurd Creature took off and flew and flew as much, as far and as high as he could, trying to dicover a new world and weeping softly "What a terrible price to pay....". But this part of his journey came to an end, because he was supposed to live with the ones he already discovered and sink into them.
All alone, tired and with tears floating around his little perfectly rounded shaped head, the Absurd Creature was resting on one corner of a greenish universe, thinking what to do next, thinking of all that happend.
He remembered all of a sudden the realities and worlds he's been into, all the creatures he meat, all the friends he once had. It gave him such a fuzzy feeling knowing that he broke some records by travelling so fast from one world to the other. He still needed to learn how to master the Switch though...It even took him a long time to find the Switch, because he was always looking for it outside of his head. How silly is that?
He remembered that he was born in a world that was so small, usually dark, but in a very pleasant way and it always smelling like some goodies, that he couldn't really describe. Or did they even have a smell? Or maybe taste? Color?...No idea...The exact location of this world was now pretty much unknown, but the memories linked to it were still fresh like a daisy. Some day, even this link will turn colors and he will start doubting the sheer existence of this world.
He crossed then a world with very strange creatures, that did not know electricity at all, another one, with people that didn't know what's a sky. There he kept on wondering all the time "How can you live without a sky?!" Once he meat this creature that could remember all the music ever played in his universe, a huge walking music repository. And what a shame that no one had the patience to listen to all his records, except for the Absurd one, who spent there countless light-and-thunder-years. Or how about this other creature with gorgeous wings of fire that was trying to protect the earth, but instead he was burning it. The Absurd one had a short conversion with him, but the heat drove him away soon enough.
And of course, the NonExistent Creature, who he'd meet in every universe and every time it was such a happy thing to happen!

But what now? Where to go and what to do? Which world to pick?

Tell me something

Take a walk outside your mind
Tell me how it feels to be
The one who turns the knife inside of me

"I'm a Golden God" or Reality is God's Dream

Practially every one of the top 40 records being played on every radio station in the United States is a communication to the children to take a trip, to cop out, to groove. The psychedelic jackets on the record albums have their own hidden symbols and messages as well as the lyrics to all the top rock songs and they all sing the same refrain: It's fun to take a trip, put acid in your veins.
"This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. If you take the blue pill, the story ends, and you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. If you take the red pill, you stay in wonderland, and I show how deep the rabbit-hole goes."
"Have you ever had a dream that you were so sure was real? What if you were unable to awake from that dream - how would you know the difference between the dreamworld and the real world?"
"When I dance, I let myself to take me to a journey - the unconscious journey to reality."
"The last thing I remember is being in a really small place. I was flying or floating in warm liquid. I couldn't see anything, but I was sensing things. There was no pain, there were no feelings. So I guess that, in a way, I was happy."
"And the view of the Earth, that was the only, the only place of the whole universe that had any color - everything else was black and white."
"We have determined that the human form is best suited to our purposes."
"Converging on the hive from deep space."
"Enlightened Evolution."
"We have now taken first steps to bio-genetically transforming all of our hybernating population into humanoids."
"I am one million kilometers from the star's corona. I shall reach it in aproximately three minutes. I am actually flying INTO a star. This is incredible!"
"He was involved in narcotics and drug activities, he was known to carry handguns, he was known to carry large amounts of cash. And he has some underworld failures, aah... and there was many number of things that could possibly happen to him."
"You're all in need of intensive psychedelic care."
"You live on controlled hallucination."

My love

WHY...?... MY DECAYING GOD...!!!

Alcohoroscope

Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for they'll smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they're hog whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink, and screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them see the sauce as something to savor in itself, and not as a personality-altering tool--though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally, they're fascinating drinking pals, brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts. They also remember everything--especially what you did when you were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.

:) What's your drinking sign?

Hello Me, meet the real Me!

And that's how it goes: ex nihilo!

How long has it been...

...since I came to know this pain? I can't really remember...My whole being goes numb with such pain and after a while I stop feeling it and the shadow of a smile appears in the corner of an eye. That's when it starts again to hurt...to see that the universe has already decided, that you're just a pawn in someone's cruel game, someone that can't take his own feelings. And all I could give was love for life.
Spoken words are played over and over again like a broken record meant to drive you insane...thought you were different but there is no other choice, my sweetest friend...
But more than those, it hurts to see your choice of silence...Is it because I'll see how things really are? That reality does not exist! The fundamental difference in beliefs.
How many times do I have to cry out loud NO... Will you ever know that?

...I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything...

There's still something wrong...

...with the world, in this place, but don't want to think of that. I won't let the world get to me. Not today!
Remembered some of the funniest things that happend lately...

On the flight to India, one guy sitting next to me is trying to strike some kind of a conversation, but unfortunately or fortunately I couldn't understand most of what he was saying, because he had a weird ass accent. Completely out of the blue he says: "Did you have Indian male?"...puzzled look on my face and thinking "Wtf?!?"...I turn my head and look the other direction and try to ignore the questions. 2 seconds later he taps me on the shoulder: "Did you have Indian male?"...I look around and I see the crew bringing in the food...That's when I realised he meant "meal"....

The flat where I was staying, had no lock on the main door. So someone always had to be the sacrificial lamb. One day it was Ajay's turn to sit at home. After many hours, he was dying of thirst and hunger and nobody was showing up (which by the way, is highly unusual)...He had no cellphone because he sold it for coke, so he contacted online a friend in another city, 2000 km away, to call one of his friends to come drop him some food and water. I love internet!

When I came back to the office, I found a small present glued on my monitor. It was one of the Dilbert comics, showing a dog waving a broomstick and saying "Out, out, you demons of stupidity!"...and below "Happy New Year!"...and my colleague was explaining: "That's exactly what you say...I though you must have it"...Thank you, I'm touched!

I'll be back with some more crap...So long!

Something's wrong with the world today

And I know what it is...
Coming back to Germany was the true cultural shock...Europe, all of the sudden seems little, sad and tasteless. For a moment, just right after landing, I was fooled by the warm weather and the bright, sunny day and was actually wondering 'Is this Germany?'...By evening, a cold, powerful wind brought loads of rain and a very clear answer for my question: 'Yeap, this is Germany, alright! No doubt about it!'
For some reason that I can't explain, India gave me such much of positive energy...can't really describe the feeling...which I know will fade with time.
Here are some pictures of the best trip ever:

The Blue Planet

Long way from home...

Living on the edge

Tiny bit of India's most powerful temple: Srisailum

Birla Mandir, the marble temple of Hyderabad and this is god Venkatesh

Charminar, Hyderabad. The most crowded place on the face of the Earth

More to come...http://picasaweb.google.com/andrinha

Cause I am as free as a bird now

If I leave here tomorrow, will you still remember me?

Happy New Year!!!!!!!!

And there goes my 2nd post from the mystical land of India.
Having to define India in one sentence only is mission impossible. And no matter what anyone would say about it, there will be trillions of other points of view which would be equally right and correct.
As far as I'm concerned, it's been home for me so far. In all its diversity and display of realities, one can always choose what to see and there's a flavour for everyone. Somebody was just asking me today what I like/dislike most about India...*puzzled*...There's nothing I can say, compressed in a word or a sentence.
But for sure, I haven't seen so far such an open attitude towards new and the mix of tradition with modern technology is just brilliant. Nor have I seen such good and friendly services :)) Everywhere you go there's someone to open the door for you, to pull the seat for you, to help you try the shoes, to bring you the papers and the coffee in the morning, to put the food in your plate and fill up your glass, a driver at your services...in other words, to spoil you at maximum. And that's definetely not because I'm a foreigner here (I could pass for a north Indian, if it wasn't for the way I'm still looking in the wrong direction while crossing the street:))...or maybe just a little ;)
This city is so fast growing, it's incredible and it is still considered one of the chill out cities in India. As an example for that stands the Hitec city...a true cyber city, where you'd be amazed to see newer and fancier buildings popping up like mushrooms after rain. If Europe is tired and reached the point of absolute comfort and fear of trying anything else, India is the complete opposite. Fast growing, dynamic, keeps your mind at high speed all the time.
Next time, I'll put up some photos...I finally had the time to take some...The few temples I've seen are such a historical proof of where we're coming from...amazing to see such undoubtful evidence and makes you wonder what else do you want to know?

Wish you all a twisted, cheerful 2007 !!!