For a change

I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know.
- Gary Shandling

I tried phone sex once. I got an ear infection.
- Richard Lewis

Masturbation: Shaking hands with the unemployed.
- George Carlin

I said to my husband, "Why don't you call out my name when we are making love?" He said, "I don't want to wake you up."
- Joan Rivers

I once made love for an hour and five minutes. It was on the day you push the clocks ahead.
- Garry Shandling

I know nothing about sex because I was always married. -
Zsa Zsa Gabor

I’ve tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes me claustrophobic and the others give me a stiff neck or lockjaw.-
Talullah Bankhead

Sex is more exciting on the screen and between the pages than between the sheets.
- Andy Warhol

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
- Joan Rivers

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
- George Burns

She looked as though butter wouldn't melt in her mouth - or anywhere else.
- Elsa Lanchester

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
- George Burns

I was on stage last night talking. I said, "You know the diaphragm is a pain in the ass." Someone yelled out, "You are putting it in the wrong place."
- Carole Montgomery

It doesn't make any difference what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in the street and frighten the horses.-
Mrs. Patrick Campbell

As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax...you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients," but another kept reminding me, 'Howard, you are a veterinarian.'"
- Dick Wilson

Ducking for apples; change one letter and it's the story of my life.
- Dorothy Parker

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
- Jackie Mason

Eunuch: A man who has had his works cut out for him.
- Robert Byrne

For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.
- Jay LenoGirls are like pianos.

When they're not upright, they're grand.
- Benny Hill

I've had them both, and I don't think much of either.
- Beatrix Lehmann, commenting on a Hollywood wedding

In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.
- Charles, Count Talleyrand

She has been kissed as often as a police-court Bible, and by much the same class of people.
- Robertson Davies

There goes the famous good time that was had by all.
- Bette Davis

She's the kind of woman who climbed the ladder of success - wrong by wrong.
- Mae West

If all the girls who attended the Harvard-Yale game were laid end to end, I wouldn't be surprised.
- Dorothy Parker

She's been on more laps than a napkin.
- Walter Winchell

Your idea of fidelity is not having more than one man in bed at the same time.
- Frederic Raphael

She wore too much rouge last night and not quite enough clothes. That is always a sign of despair in a woman.
- Oscar Wilde

She should get a divorce and settle down.
- Jack Parr

That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
- Dorothy Parker

You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think.
- Dorothy Parker

Too fucking busy, and vice versa.
- Dorothy Parker

The finest woman that ever walked the streets.
- Mae West

I'd rather she'd used me for sex. Using me for my mind really bothered me.-
Carl Jacobs

I'm always looking for meaningful one-night stands.
- Dudley Moore