Don't give up just yet

There she was standing again, at the same crossroad she knew so well...wherever she would go, she'd always come back to the same familiar spot...the only place that was ever hers, at times to hate and at times to love.

The wind was blowing softly through the shades of blue and that sound was just a reminder that none of this was real, there wasn't just one of her, there were many. And that was exactly what she was contemplating while wondering which way to go this time, which way that she didn't take before, which way where she would find other selves than before.

There was nothing left, it was all too familiar.

Straight ahead. One more time, maybe the last. The one road that was going into deep darkness, where the anxiety would be the only raison d'etre and where she would have to fight over and over again the sigths of seeing the edges of madness. Only that now there was a difference: she did not need any more her other self, she could it alone. It was time to stop avoiding the truth that everything else was the beauty of her own mind.

"Shh, child, sleep. The dream is not yet over..."

And so the story goes on...

After his attempt of going back to the world he was once born into, the Absurd Creature found himself on the corner of a univers, without any idea what to do. So, he thought to himself he'd go back to the NonExistent Creature, which he could find in any universe possible and impossible.

All of the sudden, with the heart full of joy and still dreaming in vivid colors, the little absurd creature jumped from that corner and he flew with the speed of thought straight to the world of the NonExistent one.

And there he was, still laying in the shadow of the giant mushroom and the same sun was blinking bored in the sky. But...there was something weird, he couldn't really know what it was.

When he came closer, he realized that the NonExistent one was transforming into something...something else. He couldn't grasp what's going on ...Slowly, after a very long time, he saw it more clearly. The Absurd one was shocked to see that transmutation, to see that what he was looking at, was no longer the NonExistent one, he wasn't anymore the one that you could meet in every universe...Puzzled, lost, hurt, he came closer, one more step, till the other creature turned his head to him. What a terrible moment! Two blank eyes were staring back at the Absurd Creature, with no trace of memory, wide open and curious to see who he was.

"Who are you?", he finally asked, after a long pause, when he understood that the visitor wasn't going to speak any time soon.

"You...you don't...recognize me...anymore ?!?", asked the Absurd One with a trembling voice. Tears were filling up his eyes and he kept on pushing them away, like they'd be some annyoing insects, but they kept on reappearing as if they had a will of their own.

"Don't know. Should I?"

How could he explain? It was pointless, it was the one road where there is no choice and you can't even look back, because you won't be able to move anymore. It felt as if somebody took the heart out of his chest, as if all emotions in the worlds died at once...in fact, his feelings were burning out, like a dangeruos fire that had to be extinguished, till there's no more but ashes. All the flow of memories came running through his head, how was he to understand that it didn't matter who you are or what you are, life was treating you the way it felt like...because you know what?...you have no powers over the rules of the game. But life does. All he understood was that you have to be loyal just to be betrayed, you have to trust just to be humiliated, you have to be kind just to know the pain of the broken heart? The Absurdity of All This! He knew he can't dream now anymore, no more vivid dreams of happiness. Not ever again.

"Excuse me?? I insist. Who are you?", asked again the Changing NonExistent.

"Hi! My name is ... um... Nevermind. Uh, I was just passing by and since I heard many things about you, wanted to come down and meet you! Am very pleased to meet you!" And the Absurd Creature tried to fake a smile when saying this, while the NonExistent was shaking his hand vigorously and grinning back.

And for a second, he though he saw in his eyes a spark of a long lost memory. But he looked again at the NonExistent, to see that the transformation was close to completion. Too close...

Lost and not found

There was just the darkness and the silence. Nothing more. And then he woke up to look around...the world was gone, there was nobody left. And nothing could compare with his feeling of loneliness. He couldn't quite grasp it. "Is the world...dead?! What happend ?! Why?!"
The words were coming out of his mouth but there was no sound to them. Just the silence that he would not want to understand or accept.
"Could it be...that the world...died?! Oh, my God! MY GODS! Where were YOU ?I've been sleeping for so long and all those dreams of beauty and fantasy, I've been swinging for so long from world to world of glowing colors, beautiful delight, guilty love and passion crimes and it seemed and endless dance of light..."
He looked around again to see the same reality.
No more dancing worlds of fantastic beauty.
"Where am I?"

He was just the same absurd creature that fell asleep between two worlds.

The loss

And there he was, standing in front of the same merciless audience, trying to find the words that would melt the painful silence and get the weight off his chest, put an end to a dream to start another.
"You! Yes, you!Is that all you can do? Be lost in your thoughts, battling them every day in a different way and think that is the right choice? Open your eyes, there's so much more for you to learn. Stop the time and you'll know what you are. Stop the regrets and you'll know what you can become. But do not stop dreaming."
"Hey, you! You, over there! You think that you're the only one dealing with your demons, waking up in a different world every day? So, are we! But we've learned the ways. And you'd better do the same before it's too late."
"And you? Is that what you really think, that we are always alone and that we were meant to be like that? Not for a clean heart. Speak ! One can only deal with the things he knows."

"Ah, and you, nice trick! New day, new eyes, new world! Hilarious...the way you think you'll be always right and when you run out of reasons... easy, new eyes, new world. Oh, if you would only know how much it hurts. And it hurts you in the end. Your way or no way, but your way changes all the time."

No answers. No replies. The same awful silence.
Just the accusing eyes of the audience."We are all you! You are your own judge and forgiver!"
Everything fell in darkness and he looked around. He was alone! There was no audience! There never was any...

where from and where to

Shiva and Shakti are the basics of the entire Tantra philosophy. In essence Shiva and Shakti are undifferentiated unity. They can never be separated; one cannot exist without the other. We look at them as being two separated concepts, but that is due to the limitations of our understanding, and our language. We have to invent names and concepts in order to have some understanding of what lies beyond our understanding.

Everything that exists can be reduced to two concepts: consciousness and manifestations. Manifestations are dependant on consciousness. In tantra, consciousness is called Shiva, and manifestation, which is also seen as power, is called Shakti.

And the day after...

After trying to cross the bridge of Eternal Emotions and left half of his soul there, the Absurd Creature took off and flew and flew as much, as far and as high as he could, trying to dicover a new world and weeping softly "What a terrible price to pay....". But this part of his journey came to an end, because he was supposed to live with the ones he already discovered and sink into them.
All alone, tired and with tears floating around his little perfectly rounded shaped head, the Absurd Creature was resting on one corner of a greenish universe, thinking what to do next, thinking of all that happend.
He remembered all of a sudden the realities and worlds he's been into, all the creatures he meat, all the friends he once had. It gave him such a fuzzy feeling knowing that he broke some records by travelling so fast from one world to the other. He still needed to learn how to master the Switch though...It even took him a long time to find the Switch, because he was always looking for it outside of his head. How silly is that?
He remembered that he was born in a world that was so small, usually dark, but in a very pleasant way and it always smelling like some goodies, that he couldn't really describe. Or did they even have a smell? Or maybe taste? Color?...No idea...The exact location of this world was now pretty much unknown, but the memories linked to it were still fresh like a daisy. Some day, even this link will turn colors and he will start doubting the sheer existence of this world.
He crossed then a world with very strange creatures, that did not know electricity at all, another one, with people that didn't know what's a sky. There he kept on wondering all the time "How can you live without a sky?!" Once he meat this creature that could remember all the music ever played in his universe, a huge walking music repository. And what a shame that no one had the patience to listen to all his records, except for the Absurd one, who spent there countless light-and-thunder-years. Or how about this other creature with gorgeous wings of fire that was trying to protect the earth, but instead he was burning it. The Absurd one had a short conversion with him, but the heat drove him away soon enough.
And of course, the NonExistent Creature, who he'd meet in every universe and every time it was such a happy thing to happen!

But what now? Where to go and what to do? Which world to pick?

Hello Me, meet the real Me!

And that's how it goes: ex nihilo!

To the Universe

Yes, that's some attitude with altitude! Because heights don't make me dizzy anymore and the abyss can't scare me anymore. I am the abyss! You think that's too much? I don't. What would you know? Me daring to have a counter opinion...
Nothing is as it seems, it's always much more simple than that. I'm very greatful for being one!
Still don't know which part is entirely mine and which is the original. But, to make it simple: no separation! One and THE one is in the end just ground zero.
And worry not. If I fly too high, I'll make sure I won't hurt the sky!

I don't believe I was cursed by being born in a human form (though once in a while it's difficult to be in my container, but that's another story). Neither do I believe that humans are the most special ones in the universe.
And I do have a blind faith and love for life, which I can't really explain. It doesn't mean either that it was all honey and milk. Had its own bad flavours. But I guess that's the only true way to appreciate it in the end. No, I don't guess. Now, I know.
There was a loss in our birth, as in we forgot who we were in order to to be able to take this journey, called life. We forgot the reason why or maybe we never knew it. Have we always known each other or there is a power of new creation in the universe? Have we known the rules for this game before or we weren't designed to have emotions? ....The very miracle of our existence ;):)
In the end, I believe in consciousness as well :)

I've changed the rules and hope you won't mind!

Currently listening to: ...silence...

The story of the star dust bananas

Somewhere, floating between the 4th and the 8,5 dimension, there was a huge three-layered violet jungle. And in this jungle, there was a little monkey, with beautiful big brown eyes that was working in Jungle Traffic Control Tower.
You might wonder how come that a monkey was controlling the traffic...well, nobody actually knew it was a monkey, because it was always wearing a tiger's skin, carefully wrapped around. Controlling the traffic actually meant to roam all around the jungle's space and cry out loud the rules to be followed and the wishes to be granted and that's why it was a tiger job. It took some time for the monkey to learn to roar and growl like a real tiger. Sometimes it was working, other times the other jungle inhabitants were completely puzzled by the squeaking monkey sounds coming from The Traffic Tiger...A forest of question marks would instantly rise above their heads whenever these little sounds would come through, but the solar wind would very soon chase aways the question marks.
There were some other strange facts that everybody would notice, like the fact that the Tiger would thoroughly enjoy eating the star dust bananas....Quite unusual thing for a Tiger to climb the trees and jump from cosmic branch to cosmic branch, throw laser twigs at the passing lions, jump on the head of a giraffe, knocking its head and asking "Anyone home?" or always thinking of playing pranks on the other inhabitants that seemed to have a too peacefull life... All these never passed unobserved, but...it was The Traffic Tiger, designated be the all-mighty Traffic Control Tower, following the general common sense assumption that they know what they're doing...
If they only knew how they opened the door to disturbing times of converting vegetarians!

"We had joy, we had fun,
We had seasons in the sun"

The Decaying Gods

Through its tears, the entire landscape changes...The absurd creature is trapped on the bridge of immortal pain and rivers of tears go down its face, dancing around its neck and joining the millions of other tears below its feet. And all of the sudden a very loud noise fills up the non-air around. It's extremly loud and it keeps increasing and increasing...It sounds as if all heavens and hells broke in all the surrounding worlds, clash of skies and falling angels, swirling cries and deafening silence.
But through the mirror of its eyes, the absurd one sees that it is actually a huge crowd of gods who came to bathe in the river of emotions. There are golden gods and silver ones, pink gods, white gods, brown gods, black gods, tasty gods and aromatic ones, wingless or crowned ones, resembling all sorts of creatures, shapes and colors that were ever imagined in the universe.
They are nothing but mortals sanctified as gods by other mortals, invested with supreme belief and blind faith, exiled from the world by infinite purity, glorified and raised above the heavens.
But the absurd creature could not believe its eyes of what was happening. As soon as they would go into the flow of the river, they'd become flash, mortal rotten flash, caught in the filthy spirals of humanoid desires, drawning the sanctity of so many tens, so many illusions destroyed and so many dreams dissembled...they were the Decaying Gods...mayhem...freedom...loss of all hopes!
The sight of all this was too much to bear for the absurd one.So much pain and sorrow that it knew it had to escape of the trapping bridge and fly away. Even with the price of half its soul. With a last struggle, the absurd one became a crippled soul, flying off to find some other worlds...
And there was no more choice of worlds!

The voyage

The day's coming to and end and the end is coming to an end and then there's a new beginning coming to another end. Leaving the sun, the sunny and miss Tha behind, the absurd creature is trying to find its way back to the mortal's world. The sounds of a song are chasing it throughout the great grey sky, like a flock of happy dolphins, stinging his ears with flashing red and violet.

The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hold
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

Between the worlds there is the river of all human emotions that it has to cross and there's only one way to do that: the bridge of immortal pain. All it ever felt comes back in vivid colors, stronger and stronger, embracing, suffocating, poisoning and burning. So, the absurd one stops in the middle of the bridge, falling into the trap of immortal pain and knowing it can never go back completely to the world it should be into. The silence and the loneliness are crushing its sobbing chest.Crossing to the Forbidden Beyond has its own price and now it's time to pay the dues.
And the song comes back again:

Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

Leave, but don't leave me

Somewhere on the edge of the universe, in a time-forgotten restaurant, where walls are made of liquid colors and music flows in waves, a song is played eternally.

Viniste a mi
Como poesia en la cancion
Mostrandome
Un nuevo mundo de pasion

Amandome
Sin egoismo y sin razon
Mas sin saber
Que era el amor
Yo protegi mi corazon

Two shadows are embraced in a forever sad tango. They keep on moving on the heart beats of the same torturing questioning of the life they used to have. They never really understood that some things are out of their time and space and there is no answer to the questions. They miss the human touch and it's been so long since they've been dancing that the memories have died out and all it's left is the dance and the shadows of their long gone souls, caught in an immortal circle.

El sol se fue
Y yo cantando tu cancion
La soledad
Se aduena de toda emocion

Perdoname
Si el miedo robo mi ilusion
Viniste a mi
No supe amar
Y solo queda esta cancion

It's all happening

A sickening sun was blinking bored in the great grey sky. It was time for environmental engineers to prepare the setting for dusk. After a rapid deconstruction, the sun is gone and the sunny comes in, with its pale redish, orange face. This is the latest design to replace what used to be the sunset. Most say it's quite ok. But sunny can't be too long in the sky, because it's not yet stable.
After sunny, miss Tha comes in, walked in by the same super fast engineers. They are so fast you can hardly see them, they only leave the trace of their shadow. But they are working on that too. Miss Tha is the replacement for the moon, who ate too much of mint and became greenish and ice-cold. So, there she is walking on the pitch dark blue velvet which covered the previous grey sky.
Same time, down there, in the purified desert, one absurd creature is talking to a non-existent one, in the shadow of a giant mushroom.
"Who are you? Who am I? What is life?"
"I've told you before. Stop asking questions. I'm too ancient to remember all this. And besides, I don't understand why you keep on asking all this"
"Because I want to know..."
"It's not gonna help you. That I know for a fact. Stay there where you are and stop seeking for knowledge that you should not have. It's only gonna make your journey more difficult. You'll always be with one foot in that world and the other in this world. Lose balance and you have to start all over again"
"But why would such a thing happen?"
"See? This is exactly your problem. As long as you don't know something, you'll be restless. Take my advice and let it go. Life is just a journey, not a destination. And this is exactly where you should live. Not here. And remember that the human body though it's a super intelligent machine, has its own limitations."
"It's hard to go back. It's even harder to forget"
"No one says forget it. But just try to stay there for now, where time and space are specially built for you, with all its threads and webs. Keep in mind: there is no good or bad, no right or wrong. It just is. So, take it like that!"
...silence fell...and the absurd creature took off. Half way, it stopped, looked back and said to the ancient non-existent one "I'm returning" and gone it was...
"You will return, like it or not. But go back to your time now..." said the absurd one, with a tired whisper.

---Beyond the PSR!